5 Important Holiday Safety Tips

Today I’m sharing my 5 top tips that can help keep your kids safer from sexual abuse during family holiday gatherings. 

Now, you might be saying to yourself, but Rosalia, do I really need to keep my kids safe at family gatherings- is there really a risk for sexual abuse if I know everyone and they’ll just be playing with other kids, and the other kids are family? 

Is that really a thing I need to be thinking or worrying about?

The short answer is yes. And here’s why.

Child sexual abuse can only happen if two things are present. Risk and opportunity. I’m going to share how those two things increase the chances of abuse or assault happening and, more importantly, what you can do to reduce those risks and limit those opportunities while also helping your child practice boundary-setting, while also using body safety to stay safer- even, and especially, at family gatherings.

RISK + OPPORTUNITIES

Let’s dive into the risk + opportunities concepts. Risks, in this context, are the things that increase the chances for a child to be abused. For example, not teaching a child about things like body autonomy, boundaries, and consent increases the risk that they can be abused because they lack education about what abuse is, looks like, or what to do if they are being abused. 

Opportunity is the environment or situation that creates circumstances or allows for abuse to happen. For example, a person or peer that has 1:1 access with a child- meaning no one else is around to supervise interactions with that child- has an opportunity to abuse a child in secret, if that is their intent.

When we talk about preventing abuse, we are talking about reducing risk and limiting opportunity. 

There is no 100% guarantee that abuse won’t happen, but by taking proactive measures, you can dramatically reduce the risk and opportunity for abuse to happen or, at the very least, your child will know what to do if something unsafe were to happen (like using an exit strategy or knowing how to report/disclose the abuse/assault after).

HOLIDAY SCENARIOS

The following scenarios highlight either risk or opportunity or a combination of both (the worst!).

If you know that these scenarios come up at the family gatherings you’ll be attending, then it’s time to read my 5 tips below and put them into action!

• Scenario 1: 🧒 siblings, cousins and friends of all ages congregate without a lot of adult supervision or line of site
  • (opportunity + risk: kid’s frequently being unsupervised with kids that are older/bigger that may not respect or understand body safety rules and cross them)

• Scenario 2: 🚸 kids are typically relegated to 'kid spaces' like a family den, playroom or bedrooms where older kids 'look after' younger kids
  • (opportunity + risk: kids being totally unsupervised and have access to digital devices without filters/monitoring )

• Scenario 3: 👋 family members/relatives tend to pick kids up, tickle, hug, kiss, pat kids on the head, or show other forms of affection, many/most times without permission
  • (risk: normalizing boundary crossing)

• Scenario 4: 😴 passed out kids (infants or toddlers) are put in a quiet/secluded room to sleep
  • (opportunity + risk: out of line of sight and child is too young to communicate abuse)

• Scenario 5: 🍗 grandparents/family members try to make other people's kids eat when the child has explicitly said they're not hungry or don't want certain foods
  • (risk: normalizing boundary crossing)

• Scenario 6: 🚫 family members cross emotional/psychological/personal boundaries with other adults (comments about physical appearance/lifestyle choices, etc.)
  • (risk: normalizing discussing other people’s bodies in ways that make that person uncomfortable)

• Scenario 7: 🍰 family members ask kids to 'hide' info
  • (risk: secret keeping/for example a relative allows a kid to eat dessert before dinner and tells them not to tell the parent)

• Scenario 8:  🍷alcohol or other substances are consumed making it more challenging to communicate with adults on many of the situations above
  • (risk + opportunity: impacts the ability for those who consume alcohol or substance to make good decisions or listen to boundaries being set, or even yourself to communicate clearly. It may increase risk of creating opportunities for 1:1 situations unknowingly)

• Scenario 9: 👵 cultural norms dictate that elders must be respected by showing them affection and obedience without question
  • (risk + opportunity: normalizes boundary crossing with people who are figures of authority and creates the conditions/environment for someone to take advantage of that perceived approval of those norms as harmless) 

Okay, so let's talk about what steps you can take to lower the risk & opportunity and create a safe environment for your children this holiday season (at any time of the year when there are family gatherings). 

TIP 1: TALK, TALK, TALK!!!

The first thing that I'm going to advise is to talk to the adults who are hosting the gathering in advance. 

If you're going to go to a family member's house, and maybe you're going to stay there or you're going to be visiting multiple times over various days or the weekend, you're going to want to ask them (the hosts) some questions.

If they have kids, ask them if they practice body safety at home. If you haven't had these conversations yet, right now is the best time. 

Make it a point that today you're going to email them and say, 

“Hey, I probably should have messaged you this earlier, and we can continue this conversation once I get there…. But I just wanted to know if you practice body safety rules at your home?”

And if they say yes, you can reply with something like this: 

“Oh great! Do you mind sharing what are some of your family rules, and practices? 

This will help you understand where they are at in their body safety journey and where you can share more info or ‘trade notes’ on best practices. And it can help you delve into the next part of the conversation around creating some ground safety rules for the upcoming gathering.

If they respond with no, you can reply with something like this:

“You know, if you haven't thought about it, I get it because most parents don't, most people don't. I've been learning about it, and I'd love to share some information with you about why it's so important for me and how we can maybe create a safety plan for the holiday gathering” 

You want to bring the topic forward from a place of positivity and empowerment and wanting to help educate and raise awareness of this topic. Stay away from a shaming tone of ‘shoulds’ because that can put anyone on defense.

You can also bring up the topic by writing (texting/emailing), speaking to them (video or phone call), and sharing statistics about the subject. 

Like, “Did you know that the latest research and information shows that 70% of cases of child sexual abuse are peer on peer.” or “I just read that 90% of abuse happens by people kids know and trust, that includes peers & family, not just teachers, coaches, neighbors, and that got me thinking…”

Those stats might come as a sort of a wake-up call to them. 

*Screenshot Image of Darkness to Light Child Sexual Abuse Statistics PDF Section

You can also send them a link to the Darkness to Light website to learn more. You can download a PDF of all of their stats. And if it’s a home with kids, I recommend printing it out and bringing it with you and sharing it with those parents. You can say:

“I’d like to talk to you about this important topic for our family, and if you're not really too familiar with this issue, I brought you some information so you can check it out for yourself.”

If you know that they have an older child (older than yours and/or old enough to get online on their own) and who has access to the internet, talk about the alarming rates of online exploitation and how easy it is to access porn today. 

And even if they say, 

“Oh, my kid? We've had those conversations with our child,” or “we don’t have to worry about that yet,” or “They're not at that stage.” 

Share as much information with them as you can. Email them some links and write something like: 

“Hey, you know what, I have some information that you might want to look at/ might not have heard/read/know. Here are some links…”

Really, it's about helping to educate them, create awareness, and not make it something that feels personal; it's really just about helping them understand the issue. 

Moving on, it's also important to let them know your family’s body safety rules. 

So whether they have safety rules or not, you can say:

“Some of our body safety rules are that we don’t force our kids to hug or kiss anyone, even if it's a family member that they know and love. We're not forcing affection; we're listening to our children's body boundary requests. We always ask, even for tickling, and even if they say ‘yes’ but then say ‘stop’, we stop right away. We want to make sure that we listen, even for things like food. We don't force food/eating. We don't ask our kids to sit on anyone's lap (including Santa). These are some of the basics that we have.”

And you can continue those threads of conversation at the gathering so you can go deeper on any of the topics that may have piqued their interest. 

You can make a list and email it to them, “Here's some of our rules.” 

You can also add, “We understand that these might not be your practices, and you might forget some of them while we are there, and that’s ok- we'll support you in applying them or help you navigate some of these rules that might be unfamiliar.”

Especially if it's grandparents, this is my reminder to you that we have to give them a little bit of grace because, in most cases, this is brand new info or awareness. 

They might struggle with trying to remember things and they might be so excited to see your child that they unintentionally forget (or choose to forget because they don’t yet understand your ‘why’). 

So prepare your child ahead as well and remind them that they have a right to set a body boundary and that you’ll back them up when they do.

We want to be compassionate and come from a place of calling them in and not calling them out (if you follow me, you've heard me say that before).

And then frame it again from a boundary standpoint, not from a personal standpoint. So, saying something like:

“The reason that we do this is that we really want to help our child understand what body autonomy means and what boundaries mean. And it's not because we don't trust you, it's because we want to help all the kids in our family learn. And we feel like you could be an amazing person/supportive person to help our child learn. So when you respect their boundaries and their autonomy, you're helping us to reinforce what we're teaching them. So you'd be an ally in this work with us” 

If you're calling them in, there's a higher chance that you're going to get buy-in versus if you're forcing it. Saying something like, 

“These are our rules, and you have to follow them, and if you don't follow them our child's not gonna like you/our child's not gonna talk to you, or I'm not going to talk to you” or like making it really confrontational right will not create a safe space for them to ask questions or want to get on board. So stay away from ultimatums right off the bat.

Ultimatums (plan B) should be reserved for people who show clear signs of grooming, who you don’t trust or who you know are notorious boundary breakers or violators and are ostensibly not interested in supporting child safety.

If you have family members you know with certainty are not on board, and there's an issue, that's another conversation. But it's still really important that you state these boundaries and then have a backup plan for if they don't want to participate, if they out-right don't want to support your practices, then plan B is right- or perhaps you have a plan C (don’t attend or change your conditions for attending).

Having that laid out in advance is going to be helpful. 

TIP 2: PLANNING THE PLAY PLACES

Okay, so number two is figuring out where the kids are going to be playing. Find out or determine/guide the host about the designated kid zones/play areas (this will be part of creating that plan with the host). 

Can the play area be an open area where there is a clear line of sight? This, of course, depends on the living space and arrangement. If there's a separate den somewhere else, and it's out of the line of sight, that's going to be important to know so you can plan regular walk-ins/check-ins. 

Additional things to consider if the kids will be in a ‘kids zone’ that is out of your/other adults’ line-of-site:

• Who are the kids who are attending? And do you have a good or disconcerting feeling about them?

• How comfortable are you with the other kids that are there?

• What is the age range of kids attending?

• Do any of the kids have screen devices?

• If there are older kids with smartphone or device access, let them (the older child) know not to show your child anything on a screen, as the holiday gathering is screen-free for your child unless it’s on a big screen where everyone is watching openly and safely.

• If the play zone is a kids' bedroom or finished basement, make sure to let all the kids know that there is always an open-door policy. So no closing doors at any point.

You can say, “Hey kids, if you’re gonna be hanging out in this area, I just want you to know that there is a no-closed-doors rule. Also no screen sharing.”

If anyone has a smartphone or tablet (and speak specifically with any child ages 6+), tell them not to share any videos or photos without first checking with you.

And let your own kids know (this is part of the next tip) that “It’s not okay if someone's asking you to go to another bedroom alone. You come and let me know first. You can tell them: ‘I gotta go double check with my mom’. That goes for kids or adults.” 

And even if there's an open door policy, make sure that there's a designated, or multiple designated adults, ideally, that can go and rotate to check-in on the kids.

Check-ins can be something that you split between three people. It can be you and your spouse, or if it's you and another other family member who also gets the importance of this safety practice, enlist them!

Consider if you’ll easily remember going to check-in. Will you have to put a timer to remind yourself because you might get caught up in a conversation? 

So these are other ways to help you keep a line of sight on the kids. 

Ask the host if there is going to be a rule for mobile devices.

If there is a child, tween, or teen that has a mobile device, find out from that child's parents if they use filters or parental monitoring apps on that phone? Or that mobile device? If the answer is no, then you want to make sure that you talk to that child or to your own child and say,

“FYI, please know that if you have some video that you want to show my child, you've got to check in with me first because we're really careful about what our kids consume, we're really specific about the media we allow, and we want to make sure that it's age appropriate” so that that child is aware that you are on top of this. 

You don't have to say it threateningly in any way, shape, or form, it can be very calmly stated. 

In fact, you can talk to all the adults and maybe make a collective agreement and tell the kids: “Because we’re at a family get-together, we want to make sure everybody can talk to each other and not be on their phones or devices, we made it a rule that, there are no tablets/smartphones/devices in kid spaces”

So designated areas, open doors, line of sight, checking in, and making sure that devices are either off (maybe that can be a collective policy that you can talk to all the adults about who have kids) or that everyone knows the rules about screens for the gathering- are all part of my #2 tip! 

TIP 3: NO TWEEN/TEEN SUPERVISION

Let's move on to number three. So, number three is: do not create a dynamic where an older kid or teen is put in sole charge of supervision

“FACT: As many as 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by older, or more powerful children.” -D2L.org Statistics on CSAA * PLEASE NOTE that the most up-to-date statistics show that the number has increased from 40% to 70% as of 2023!!!!

So besides knowing that, here are two other reasons that a tween or teen should not be put in sole charge of supervising kids who are younger.

One, because that's a lot of responsibility, especially if they are in charge of a lot of kids.

But two is that, it's just not ideal. It’s both a risk and creates an opportunity for abuse. 

Especially if that tween/teen has access to the internet, or their home/parents aren't on top of body safety or online safety, giving them that responsibility opens up the possibility of younger kids being exposed to inappropriate content (whether content that includes adult language/cursing, adult content/porn, other).

You want to make sure that, if that's already been set up, if a tween/teen has already been designated, then make sure that there is still an adult that will be regularly checking in.

So it might be set up where the oldest cousin is in charge of everybody, but you can come in and do surprise visits. “Hey, just checking in to see what you guys are up to what games are you playing?” Reading the room for body cues from anyone will help you determine if everyone is feeling safe. 

Ask yourself, “Did this child suddenly get really nervous because I just surprise visited?”

Did this tween/teen close the door and pretend like, ‘Oh, I forgot the no-closed-doors rule’? 

Were there any red flags? Whether it's behavior from the kids who are being supervised or from the kid who is doing the supervising, note any odd behavior. 

If there were red flags, ask your child if they want to get something to eat or make some excuse to remove them and check in with them 1:1 so they can share what was happening in that room.

Also, remind your child that if someone wants to show them something, they must clear it with you first. Also, let them know that “It's totally okay if you want to look at something, just check with me first because I'll most likely say yes, but I just want to make sure that I know what it is that you guys are looking at”

Usually, this goes over well with younger kids. Tweens might have a little bit of resistance, but just let them know, “Hey, you know, not everybody knows safety rules, and they might not realize that something's unsafe. And it's just better to double-check with us. And we're not trying to eliminate your screen time” 

Teens might be resentful that they won't have access to their phones (if the family as a whole made a rule about no phones). Remind them that this is an event for everyone to say hi to each other and get together as a family and talk face to face, not be on screens. So just setting up that rule is going to be really helpful. 

TIP 4: REVIEW RULES + PRACTICES WITH YOUR KID(S)

Number four is to review body safety skills with your kids. This includes:

• Remind them that they have a right to their body and boundaries and the right to speak up if they feel uncomfortable about anyone.

• No one should touch their private parts or should ask them to touch other’s private parts. And if you’re not sure or haven’t started teaching this yet, check out my free class.

• No one should ask them to take pictures of their private parts or show them pictures or videos of other people's private parts or naked bodies.

• If anyone tries to do these things, remind them that they have the right to exit that situation and to tell that person, “No, that's not okay.” or, “Stop, don’t do that” or “I don't want to see that” or “I don't want to do that” and just to walk away. 

• Remind them that you have a family rule of no secret-keeping. Even if someone asks them to keep a secret, they can tell that person, 'We have a family rule of no secret keeping,' and then tell you about it so you can help educate that person because they don't know about that safety rule. Let your child know that it doesn't matter what the secret is or if they are angry that you won't keep the secret. Let them know that they won't be in trouble for telling you, and the other person won't be in trouble either- you'll just be talking to them to educate them about your family's no-secrets rule. If you'd like more info on how to teach about secrets safety and tricky people in more depth, check out my Secrets Safety Masterclass on it (especially if your child is 4+).

• Walking through those kinds of exit strategies is going to be really important. You’ll see a list of exit strategies in TIP 5, that is below. And if you’re asking yourself, at what age should I be teaching these different topics, start these discussions as early as two, depending on your child, (I have a workshop called Getting Started with Abuse Prevention that kind of walks through what you should be teaching at different ages and stages).

• Its also important that you remind your child that even if something were to happen, they can still always tell you after, and that it is NEVER their fault.

• Sidenote reminder: it’s never your child’s job to protect themselves or prevent abuse, that’s our job as their parent (which is why we want to be checking in, which is why we want to talk to the adults, etc. Because ultimately, if your child is two, or three, or four or five, were older, and they're just starting to learn this information, that's a lot of responsibility we put on their shoulders to protect themselves.)

Let your child know, “If you can't get out of a situation, or if something unsafe happens, or if someone made you feel uncomfortable, and you couldn't get out of the situation in that moment, please come and tell me right away. And it doesn't matter what that person says; if that person says you are going to get in trouble, or I'm going to tell them something different, and they're not going to believe you, or, if whatever threat that they come up with, it's not true. I will always believe you, I will always help you, and I will understand if maybe you made a mistake or that person didn't listen to your boundary setting. I will be here to help you.” 

And so we want kids to know that they can still always report, they can still always come to tell us that they will never get in trouble for telling, regardless of what that person says. 

Let them know that you will never not love your child- in other words, tell your child that there is nothing they could ever do, or have done, that would change your love for them- that you will always love them unconditionally. 

Have these ongoing conversations for the next few days before the gathering, if possible, or at the very least, discuss them the day of the gathering before arriving.

TIP 5: EXIT STRATEGIES

Last but not least is teaching your child exit strategies. Here are some examples:

• Remind your child to listen to their body signals and that if they get an uh-oh feeling, to listen to it because their body is telling them that something is not safe, and that if there's anything that comes up like that, just to leave and get you. 

*Find this poster at E2EPublishing.info with this link

• If they’re hanging out with other kids or a family friend or relative, and they feel uncomfortable (get an uh-oh feeling), they can say that they don't feel well and let the person know they are going to go get you because their tummy or head hurts, or that they feel sick and are going to puke, and need to get you or another person (who they feel is a safe adult).

• Remind your child that if they think that the person/kid is going to get upset, that’s okay. Their own safety is the most important thing they need to consider, not the feelings of the other person. You can say something like this: “Listen to your body, if your body's telling you to leave, then leave, don’t worry about the feelings of the other person if they tell you they’re mad/sad and come tell me. You won’t be in trouble.” 

• Create a safety word that lets you know that your child is feeling unsafe. A safety word can be something like: “red,” or “bumblebee,” or “stinky socks,” or anything you think your child will remember easily when they need to use the safety word. So that when they come to you and say their safety word, you will know that they need to talk to you privately about whats happened or their feeling regarding someone or a situation. You might want to go to the bathroom together, you might want to go outside, you might want to go somewhere to get some privacy so you can talk to your child. Give them an example of how to use the word: “If you feel unsafe about something or someone, leave and come to me and say “Mom, I'm feeling [red/safety word]”. And then I’ll know you need to tell me something in private and I can help you.” This helps your child feel safe about reporting.

• So come up with a safety word that your child will remember that's not food because they might say applesauce, and you might think: “Oh, you want some applesauce? I don't think we have applesauce.”

So those are my top 5 tips to help keep your kids safer this holiday season!

But I want to leave you with one last BONUS TIP!

Learn about the signs of grooming so you can spot it with your kids or other children and adults at family gatherings. Get my free PDF here or sign up for my Grooming Prevention Masterclass 2.0 here. 

Grooming is the different set of behaviors and patterns of behavior that a potential offender would use to gain the trust of the parent and child in order to gain access to that child for the intent of sexually abusing them. 

It’s important to learn what those behaviors and patterns are so that if you spot them you can see the red flags and intervene before abuse can happen.

It’s also important to know so you can educate your child on how to spot them (in age-appropriate ways) and tell you if or when they spot them.

I hope that you found these resources useful and that you’ll be implementing them all, or at least some.

If your child has or may have already had an unsafe or potentially unsafe situation happen at a family gathering this season, and are not sure what to do now/next, you are welcome book a 1:1 consultation with me or seek the support of a local child advocacy center in your local area for specific mental health support or next steps with your specific situation. 

I hope that your holiday is full of peace. This is what I hope for the world in such a turbulent time. This holiday is somber for me for many reasons, many of which started in August, and have continued to be heavy as the many different conflicts around the world rage on.

I wish for nothing more than peace… for you, internally and externally, for you and your family.

May this season bring us humility, humanity, and love.

Be safe,

Rosalia~