#Groomer. Definition + Intention

In U.S. law, there is a clear distinction between 1st-degree murder, 2nd-degree murder, and manslaughter.

You can also say that they are all the same thing because someone was killed in all those situations.

This is how many are currently using the word grooming- as if it encapsulates many cultural issues today.

The main distinction between 1st-degree murder, 2nd-degree murder, and manslaughter is their intent.

In law, the intent is everything.

Same with grooming and why defining this clearly is so important.

If we don't have a clear definition, we can call everything grooming.

The broad term 'grooming' means to 'prepare someone for something'. But if you are going to say that children are being sexually groomed, then we must be specific about how that word is being applied.

My issue is that child sexual grooming means a very specific thing, but the term #groomer is being applied very broadly. The word grooming loses its meaning.

And if that is the case, then we are ALL being groomed in various ways.

Maybe this is the point that people who so frivolously use the term #groomers are trying to say. That the #groomers (whoever they deem those people are) are grooming us all. 

But if that's what's happening, then we've been groomed since the dawn of communication; by music, tv, movies, advertisers, the porn industry, and anyone with an agenda.

We are all being groomed and have been since the dawn of time. That makes anyone a groomer.

And currently, the term is being weaponized to target specific groups.

Definitions matter

On December 9, 2022, I posted a carousel post on Instagram, about the definition of grooming, as per the standards of that definition relating to child sexual abuse.

My post defined child sexual grooming as: the actions of attempting to form a relationship with a parent and/or child to gain the trust and access to them/their child with the intention to sexually assault/abuse the child.

I also shared the definition of what constitutes child sexual abuse to clarify further. I wrote the following description from RAINN (Rape and Incest National Network) in the U.S., which states:

Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse that includes sexual activity with a minor. A child cannot consent to any form of sexual activity, period. When a perpetrator engages with a child this way, they are committing a crime that can have lasting effects on the victim for years. Child sexual abuse does not need to include physical contact between a perpetrator and a child. Some forms of child sexual abuse include (but are not limited to):

• Exhibitionism, or exposing oneself to a minor
• Fondling
• Intercourse
• Masturbation in the presence of a minor or forcing the minor to masturbate
• Obscene conversations, phone calls, text messages, or digital interaction
• Producing, owning, or sharing pornographic images or movies of children
• Sex of any kind with a minor, including vaginal, oral, or anal
• Sex trafficking
• Any other contact of a sexual nature that involves a minor. 

The Signs of Grooming

The signs of grooming are essential for all parents to know. If you can learn to spot those signs, you can intervene and hopefully prevent abuse (if it hasn't yet occurred). And if abuse has occurred because you spotted the signs, you can stop it from escalating (and prevent that person from abusing others by reporting them).

So with that knowledge, let's take this example as a case in point to why the semantics of the term grooming matter.

(A) Say grandpa takes Suzy to get ice cream before dinner (something mom usually doesn't allow). Did grandpa groom Suzy by taking her to get ice cream? 

No.

(B) Say grandpa takes Suzy to get ice cream and tells her not to tell her mom/dad because if she tells them, they won't let her go with him to get ice cream anymore (because mom doesn't usually doesn't allow dessert before dinner). Did grandpa groom Suzy by telling her not to tell her parents? 

No. Grandpa did not groom Suzy but has unintentionally set her up to be vulnerable to grooming by a sexual predator (assuming that grandpa is not a predator).

Side note: this is why Suzy's mom, having learned what grooming is (and that secret keeping is a tactic used by groomers), can teach grandpa NOT to ask Suzy to keep secrets and give Suzy the tools/language to say to grandpa 'we don't keep secrets in our family'. Those are two steps parents can take to help reduce the risk of grooming and abuse.

(C) Say grandpa takes Suzy to get ice cream and tells her not to tell her mom/dad because if she tells them, they won't let her go with him to get ice cream anymore. His real intention is to create a sense of trust and loyalty because he wants to use it to develop secrecy in their relationship so he can sexually abuse Suzy and blackmail her to keep the abuse a secret. Did he groom Suzy? 

100% YES, this is child sexual grooming.

In example (B), grandpa (is not a predator) may not know that what he's doing sets Suzy up to be much more vulnerable for abuse because he doesn't know that secret keeping is used as a grooming tactic by sexual offenders.

Yet the same scenario in example (C) is grooming because the reason for using secret keeping IS to abuse the child. In scenario (C) grandpa is a #groomer.

By the way, if you want to know how YOU as a parent can determine if a person is acting as a groomer versus not, I invite you to listen to a podcast episode I did with 30-year veteran in child sexual abuse prevention, Feather Berkower. You can listen to it here. 

My point is that intention matters.

If we start using the word grooming for all kinds of things, things that are not done with the intention of child sexual abuse, then the word loses meaning; and parents can't identify when grooming is actually happening.

Drag Queen Story Hour + Shows

Let's use the more specific case of drag queen story hour and drag queen shows that many parents (understandably) are concerned about.

(1) Say mom takes Suzy to drag queen STORY HOUR. Mom previously attended a drag queen story hour on her own to vet if there was any sexualized content or performance, and she discovered that it did not contain any sexualized content. Is mom grooming Suzy by taking her there? 

No. That is not grooming (although many people argue that Suzy is now exposed to drag queens and by their very nature, drag queens are sexual; while others argue that exposing them to drag queens opens up the child to want to be a drag queen). This is debatable. But it's still not grooming.

(2) Say mom takes Suzy to a drag queen SHOW (which is different from a library/school story hour) that may have sexual undertones and performances (even if it says it's for all ages), and she did not previously vet the show to determine if it's really appropriate for all ages.

Did she groom Suzy?

No. But this mom unintentionally exposed her child to sexualized performances that her child should not have been exposed to. 

This is similar to giving a child a cell phone without having parental controls in place, not having taught the child internet safety or online exit strategies (in the possible case of accidental exposure to explicit content). That would not be grooming either but it would be negligence and, frankly, irresponsible. 

But it's still not grooming. 

Do I sanction this as appropriate and safe? NO, just like I don't think it's right or safe to give a child access to social media before the age of 13 (unfortunately, millions of parents are doing so- even the ones who don't take their kids to drag shows or story hour).

By the way, my professional opinion on drag queen story hour at school is that I don't believe it's appropriate because it's not a choice that the parent has made, it's a decision the school has imposed- particularly if it's without parental consent. I believe the same as it relates to body safety education, with a few caveats- which I address at the end of this blog.

Let's look at the last example.

(3) Say mom takes Suzy to a drag queen SHOW that may have sexual undertones and performances (even if it says it's for all ages), and she did previously vet the show and saw that it's NOT appropriate for all ages.

Did she groom Suzy?

Yes. She intentionally exposed her child to a drag queen show that is meant for adults because she knew it had sexual undertones, exposure, and performances. One could even say that it went beyond grooming and directly to child sexual abuse when strictly abiding by the definition of abuse. 

I realize that many parents, in the name of 'inclusivity', sometimes because they are virtue signaling, and yet others, because of lack of education and knowledge of what happens at shows, are taking children to drag queen shows that are NOT safe for children. 

An example of this would be this show.

Please stop doing this!

In this example, the child's parent(s) are in the wrong. The drag performers should have collectively said they would not perform in front of this child, and the restaurant should not have allowed children in. All of them exposed a child to sexualized content (note the song 'Pussy' playing in the background for one of the performers).

Some might argue that the child in this video didn't really understand what was going on or what they were seeing, so it's not a big deal. Would you say the same if a man who walked around without pants in front of your child? Would it be a big deal then?

Are we using double standards in the name of 'inclusivity'? Sit with that for a minute- or a day. However long it takes for you to realize that it's inappropriate for children and can be considered sexual abuse by the parents who take the child to events like this. The parents in these cases would be the ones considered groomers.

Please vet the event you're going to.

If you go to an event where a drag queen is performing (dancing, signing, etc.), it will likely have sexual content.

If you go because it said it's for all ages but suddenly you realize there IS sexual content, and you realize you made a mistake, get up and leave with your child. 

Don't stay. 

I would also complain to the owner of the establishment (on another day when your child is not with you) to let them know that the show is NOT safe for all ages, even if that minor is accompanied by an adult. 

Let other parents know they should NOT attend that establishment with kids when they have drag queen performances.

Don't participate in the night-club-culture practice of giving drag queens dollar bills with your child. 

If you want to do that on your own, that's your choice as an adult, but don't instill this practice in a child.

If you disagree, please share your reasons because I can't understand why you'd want to teach your child to do that.  

This is NOT the same as giving a dollar tip to a musician playing on the street. You don't go up to them and stuff the dollar in their g-string or down their shirt.

Regarding Pride parades, they are going to have sexualized content because the point of Pride parades are to celebrate LGBTQ+ rights, open sexuality, and sexual/gender expression. They weren't originally meant to be for kids.

If you want to support your child's gender expression/identity, there are more age-appropriate ways to do so than taking them to Pride parades where you can't control what sexual content they may (and most likely will) see.

Lastly, for those who want to state that drag queen story hour at school should be allowed, I believe parents should have a choice here. In the same way, I think parents should have a choice about the sex-ed that their child receives at school.

Let me be 100% clear. I believe that schools should teach body safety education (both to the parent and the child) for a couple of reasons:

1. Not all parents know about the prevalence and statistics of child sexual abuse. They need education just as much as the children do.
2. Not all parents are safe parents. We know that parents, siblings, and other relatives that may live in the home, could be abusers. So if the child doesn't get that education at home, then how would they be able to recognize abuse (not all abuse happens in a violent way for the child to recognize that it's abuse), and how would they know to report it to safe adults outside of the home?

But I also know that because most parents don't understand the real threat of child sexual abuse to their children, and they don't understand the scale and current global epidemic, they don't teach age-appropriate sex-ed (that can reduce risks for abuse) or body safety education at home. 

Schools wanting only to educate children are missing the mark because parents SHOULD be involved in this education. 

Parents can and should be the greatest force for preventing child sexual abuse, and schools can play a big role in helping parents create safer homes, schools, and communities.

In a follow-up blog, I will discuss in detail what I believe the solution to body safety education in schools can be across the globe and how in Canada, this is one of the pieces of legislation I'm working on helping to develop.

Stay tuned. 

P.S. if you have questions or issues you'd like to discuss, and share that relate to teaching SOGI (sexual orientation and gender identity) in schools, transgender youth, and the medicalization of children/youth with gender dysphoria, please know that I am working on another blog about this as well, coming soon. But please keep comments related to this post specific to grooming. 

I am also working on a separate blog discussing the origin of drag/drag queens, drag shows, drag kids, and the sexualization of girls in pageants. 

P.P.S. Please know that I'm pro-LGBTQ+ rights, I'm politically agnostic (I don't agree with all leftist ideology, nor do I agree with all right-wing ideology), and I will not tolerate bigotry or misogynistic comments in the post that attack other parents or identities. 

Please keep this a safe space otherwise, your comment will be deleted. This does not mean that if you disagree with me, your comment will be deleted. I welcome everyone's comments as long as they remain respectful in nature. Keeping a safe space means that if you post a comment that says 'drag queens are deviants' (as happened on an Instagram post I shared a week ago), that comment is considered violent towards drag queens and will not be tolerated here.