Bath Time Tickling In Private Parts...

A mom came to me for a consult a while back asking how to deal with her 5-year-old tickling her 3-year-old's privates during bath time.

She was unsure about a few things.

One question she asked was if it was even safe. She wasn't sure that her 5-year-old's behavior was normal, a red flag, learned, or totally innocent. She wondered why her child was doing this since she had been teaching her about body safety and that no one should touch her private parts. She asked if, since it was tickling, it would be considered abuse if it was her child with her younger child.

She wasn't sure how to talk to her child about it besides just firmly telling the child to stop (and this mom found it to be very triggering as she had experienced sibling sexual abuse, so this was freaking her out to see this happening; and looking back on her own experiences made her feel shame and fear that her children would repeat what happened with her- though she was much older with her older brother).

She felt like it was hard for her to respond calmly, and had actually yelled at the top of her lungs because she thought it was abuse. She was embarrassed to tell me how severely she reacted- because she knew her child hadn't done anything intentionally wrong.

Once she regained her composure, she realized that she had reacted rashly. She was now not sure if her big response had traumatized her child.

This mom's reaction is more common than you'd think. It stems from fear of the unknown. In this case, all the variables involved created a big mixture of emotions, resulting in an overreaction to something that could be a very innocent situation.

Some people might jump to the conclusion that it is a green flag situation, and the tickling was just playful, nothing to be freaked out about. Some might feel it's completely age-appropriate and just needs to be redirected.

Assumptions are never good to jump to in situations that lack more information. So, I asked her a few questions to determine whether this was a green, yellow, or red flag situation.

My first question was whether she had seen this behavior before and/or outside of bath time. She said no.

I asked if she felt like the 5-year-old was being forceful and how the 3-year-old was responding to the tickling. Was the 3-year-old pushing the 5-year-old away or showing signs of anger or fear? She said no to all of this. In fact, it seemed like a game, and both were lost in giggles.

I asked her what she had taught her 5-year-old (and 3-year-old) about private parts safety, specifically (since she had only used the broad term of body safety). She said this:

"I've taught her that no one should touch her private parts. I gave her the names of who is allowed to touch her privates and why. Like the doctor when I'm there, dad if he needs to help her wipe her bottom, and me and grandma if we need to help her bathe (though she's more independent now). And we've talked about this stuff a few times already. We've also been talking to our 3-year-old about some of this too."

 

"Great!" I said. "You're off to a good start. There are many other important pieces to teach and talk about."

I asked if she had any tools, like books or videos, to help bring this all together. She said she had only one book, but it didn't specifically address private parts.

What I recommended... 

At the end of the consult, I reviewed what she was missing (like using correct terms for genitals and talking about more than touch- like exposure), specific books to read, and what was age-appropriate behavior for her child's ages, plus what signs to further look for to determine if there was any other source/root cause for her five year old's behavior. 

I also shared a script with her about how to repair the situation with her kids so that they understand that the behavior isn't appropriate, and so they don't feel shame for a mistake.

I suggested that she go back and talk about that moment, and about her own reaction. And to let her know that she had big emotions about it because she was afraid that she would not have understood that touching other people's privates, including siblings or friends, is not safe or ok. To apologize for how she reacted and that she doesn't want her child to feel any shame about her body or about the mistake she made, but to only learn from it, and to know what she can and can't do with other people's bodies and vice versa. 

Lastly, I explained what kinds of questions mom should be asking, because this can lead her to fully understand if the tickling was genuinely from age appropriate innocent curiosity (yes, even after being taught no one should touch privates), or if it was because someone else did it to her, or if it was something she discovered felt good and wanted to show her sibling. 

Depending on the reason, a different course of action would then need to be taken. But you can only really know that when you become curious about where the behavior stemmed from, and take appropriate steps to find out.

This child's behavior could have come from curiosity, self-discovery, and wanting to test/experiment- all from an innocent perspective. But it can also stem from someone having tickled them on their genitals- perhaps before the child knew/understood about private parts.

So, it's crucial to not simply dismiss this as age-appropriate until you learn more about the root of the behavior.

This mom shared with me that she's had some suspicions about a family member who has had some odd behavior that she couldn't put a finger on, but she didn't trust them. Yet, because of her own experiences, she thought that she might just be feeling paranoid and overreacting to that as well. So, she dismissed the gut feelings and hadn't done anything to investigate further.

What this mom discovered...

After having taken all the steps I recommended, this mom booked a follow up consult and informed me that upon getting the lowdown from all the open-ended questions she asked, and reading the books she read, it turns out that the person who she suspected of being unsafe, had been grooming her child, and playing tickling games with her- which included inappropriate tickling.

Our follow up consult was about helping her navigate next steps, and as you can image, this was incredibly hard for this mom, but she was glad to have discovered it before the situation escalated.

Her 5-year-old child had learned that no one should touch her privates. Still, the family member had groomed her so well that she felt she couldn't tell anyone and that her mom would be mad at her because she didn't stop the person from touching her. She also had mixed feelings about not wanting to get the family member in trouble (because he told her that he'd never be able to see her again and would not be allowed to be part of the family) and that she enjoyed spending time with the family member and the game itself didn't hurt her, so she thought it might be ok not to say anything (thinking that tickling was all he'd ever do to her).

Fortunately, this mom didn't just dismiss the tickling as innocent behavior (which it could be, but not in this case). She recognized that her child doing it to another child is not abuse, but it did require figuring out the root of the behavior.

The moral of this story is: Don't be quick to dismiss green flag behavior as only that. Look deeper, make sure you're comprehensive about body safety education, use teaching tools, and make these talks ongoing, not just once or twice.

If you have questions or want to book a consultation, you can use this link to do so or DM me on social media. If it's a very general question and I can answer it through a post, I will. 

You can also check out my Private Parts Safety course; 📣 which now has a 📣 NEW bonus 📣 included!

I co-hosted a class with sexual health educator Amy Lang back in June called Age-Appropriate vs Red Flag Behavior, and it's now 📣 FREE inside the bonuses for the course 📣.

If you prefer, you can also sign up for just that class.

The course and the class give you a comprehensive outline and information that covers all the topics about how to teach private parts safety in an effective way and how to determine what's green, yellow and red flag behavior and what to do depending on what you're seeing.

Getting educated so you can both educate your child, talk to others about body safety and know what signs to look for, are some of the best ways to reduce risk.