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Is Grandma Grooming Your Child? Probably Not, But She’s Unintentionally Helping Others Do it.

 A concerned mother direct messaged me on Instagram a few days ago, saying this:

 

“Hey Rosalia, 

 

I have been working on setting boundaries re:consent/abuse prevention for a while now and recently tried to set a boundary with family members asking that they consult with us before purchasing gifts for our kids. 

 

My MIL had a very strong reaction to this request and had tried to pushback ever since. 

 

I’ve had people tell me I’m being rude for asking this of my family members but in my mind this is a way to prevent manipulation tactics and model what safe adults look like for our kids. 

 

Am I being unreasonable? Is there anything you’d suggest with regards to how I could explain this boundary better for family members and friends who may be having a hard time with it?”

 

Here’s what I answered:

 

First, I praised her for setting the boundary. For one, it’s her child and her family's rules.

 

Second, I asked her if she had explained the concept of grooming to her MIL.

 

Knowing that this mom has been a long-time follower and has taken my Grooming Masterclass, I knew she understood the nuances of my question.

 

And she replied by saying that she had explained the concept to her MIL and that the MIL’s response was to get offended because she thought that the DIL didn’t trust her. And when the mother talked to other family members about it, they felt it was ‘rude’ of the mom to make this request to the MIL.

 

Unfortunately, this is a somewhat common response from close grandparents and family members.

 

 

And although this particular family member may not be directly grooming the grandchild, they are not supporting the DIL's abuse prevention practices, which increases the risk for grooming and abuse by actual ill-intended unsafe people.

 

You can check out the full Instagram post here (and feel free to peruse the comments to hear from both sides of the debate).

 

Since there is likely a lot of misunderstanding or confusion about how the MIL buying unapproved gifts or resistance to the boundary being requested can lead to grooming, read on.

 

I want to make sure all parents can understand the connection and correlation to grooming because grooming is the most typical way that known adults gain access and the advantage to abuse a child without getting caught.

 

For starters, this mom did not think that her mother-in-law (MIL) was grooming her daughter.

 

Let’s start with some basics.

 

Grooming are the actions or sets of behaviors that a person would display with a parent and child that helps them gain the trust of the parent/child in order to gain access to the child with the intention of sexually abusing the child.

 

A potential offender will use various actions/behaviors to gain this access, usually in stages. 

 

One of those actions is frequent/excessive gift-giving.

 

Gift-giving, in the case of actual grooming, is done to gain the attention of the child, favor with the child, and/or as a means of guilting or bribing the child into some desired behavior (like hugs/kisses/affection, etc.)

 

Gift-giving is sometimes combined with secrecy.

 

For example, an adult that is grooming a child may say something like, “I got you this video game. I know you wanted it, and your mom won’t get it for you (or won’t allow you to have it), but I think you deserve it (and/or are old enough to play it), so I got it for you, but you can’t tell your mom, or she’ll take it away (and/or will be mad at me for getting it for you and then I won’t be able to buy you other things/games/gifts). So let’s keep it between just us/as our little secret”

 

The child wants the game/gift, doesn’t see this as a bad secret to keep (since no one is getting hurt), and proceeds to take it and not say anything to the parent. Later, the child will then feel implicated or trapped if the adult moves to begin abuse and then uses that first gift/secret as a sort of blackmail.

 

Some other basics you should know about grooming is that if an offender knows that a parent is unaware of body safety or abuse prevention practices and doesn’t realize that gift-giving or secrets are grooming tactics, they will see the parent/child/family as vulnerable and easy targets.

 

Another important fact to remember is that over 90% of abuse happens by people that the parent and child know and trust. Of that large percentage, THIRTY percent are family members.

 

We can dramatically reduce the risk of abuse for a child by being vocal with ALL the adults in our kids' lives (especially those who interact with our kids regularly) and letting them know about our body safety practices and the why behind them.

 

This helps to screen out potential offenders.

 

If there IS an unsafe person in your child’s life, they’ll now likely take your child off their ‘easy target list’ because of the information you shared with them.

 

Your child will likely no longer be groomed for abuse by that person because they know that you are a vigilant, educated, and proactive parent, and that makes it harder to get away with abuse and easier to get caught.

 

So, knowing this about gifts and secrets, it’s important to request that adults (even those you trust are safe people) not ask your child to keep secrets (even what may seem like an “innocent” secret).

 

You can also request that they not give your child a gift without letting you know or checking in with you first.

 

For those who are NOT ill-intended, you can also ask that adult to support your family’s abuse prevention practice by abiding by this boundary and being open-minded about the request, especially in spite of cultural norms.

 

You see, if kids are accustomed to receiving gifts from adults (outside of birthdays/holidays/appropriate gift-giving times) in exchange for affection/favoritism (lo-key coercion/manipulation), we set kids up to be vulnerable to actual grooming.

 

If kids get accustomed to being given gifts and asked not to tell a parent- aka keep a secret- (even if the adult is not an unsafe person), we set kids up to be vulnerable to actual grooming.

 

I also advised that if the adult STILL resists/pushes back against this request, even after explaining the logic behind the request, then perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship as it may not be a healthy one.

 

Some parents in the comments of my Instagram post jumped to thinking that my advice to this mom was to cut grandma off because she was grooming the child.

 

That was not, and is not the case.

 

What I WAS saying was that if a family member/close family friend still gets offended despite the parent saying, “I don’t think you’re grooming my child, I just want to let you know what the family safety rules are and that they apply to everyone across the board so that my child is not vulnerable to grooming behavior”- then it’s likely because it’s an issue of entitlement and ego on the part of the adult/MIL.

 

But also, if it’s someone you don’t trust, or have an off feeling about, then it could be grooming, and that person is seeing how far they can push a boundary (because they know they can use guilt to gaslight the parent).

 

As the parent, you have to evaluate that person's safety in relation to your child.

 

Ultimately, I wasn’t suggesting this MIL was grooming her grandchild, I was suggesting that by her pushback/resistance or flat-out rejection of the boundary and continuation of the behavior, she was setting up the child to be more vulnerable to actual grooming.

 

And lastly, a truly safe adult would, ideally, see this as helpful information, so they can also be on the lookout for grooming signs from others and help be a firewall of protection for that child. 

 

Now that you understand the logic here, do you still believe this is too drastic of a request for grandma? And having this explained to granma, is it really that hard for grandma to comply/support this safety practice?

 

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

 

P.S. if you'd like more information on grooming, check out my free PDF guide on grooming signs here.



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