Exit Strategies: Teaching Kids to Recognize and Leave Unsafe Situations—Even When They Freeze

When we teach kids about safety, we often focus on tools like saying “No,” leaving the situation, and telling a trusted adult. These strategies are invaluable—but they’re only part of the picture.

What we don’t talk about enough is this: Sometimes kids can’t say “No” or leave. Sometimes, their body freezes. It’s an instinctive survival response, and it happens to children of all ages—especially in situations involving fear, abuse, or manipulation. 

But even if no manipulation, threats or bribes are involved, kids might be confused about what’s happening because the adult or peer committing the offense is someone they initially trusted and love- and they might not know what to do- even after they’ve been given instructions or directions on how to handle these kinds of situations.

This is especially true for kids who have grown up in homes where they’re expected to do as they’re told without question.

Understanding the freeze response is critical to helping kids navigate unsafe situations and, most importantly, know that they are never to blame for how they react. 

By weaving this understanding into age-appropriate safety strategies, we can empower kids to respond realistically and help them process their experiences without guilt or shame.

Teaching Kids to Trust Their Gut

Teaching children to trust their intuition—or those “gut feelings”—is a crucial life skill. It helps them recognize unsafe or uncomfortable situations and equips them to respond effectively. 

So how can you guide your kids in developing this ability? Let’s break it down.

Start by explaining intuition in a way they can understand. For younger kids, describe it as a “warning bell” or “inner voice” that helps keep them safe. Older kids might appreciate a more scientific explanation, like how their brain picks up on subtle signals even if they can’t pinpoint exactly why something feels off. 

Normalize these feelings by reassuring your child that it’s okay to feel unsure or uncomfortable sometimes—and that trusting those feelings is important.

Practice is key, and role-playing can help make these lessons stick. Create simple scenarios, like a stranger offering candy or someone asking them to keep a secret. 

Ask, “What would you do if something didn’t feel right?” Then discuss how their body might react to discomfort—like a racing heart, a stomachache, or feeling scared. These physical and emotional signals are the body’s way of saying, pay attention!

Teaching kids to “listen to their body” goes hand in hand with understanding intuition. Help them recognize the physical signs—tense muscles, rapid heartbeat, or feeling hot or cold suddenly—and emotional cues like confusion, fear, or just a sense that something is off. Once they notice these signals, encourage them to stop, think, and seek help from a trusted adult if needed.

Books, stories, and media are fantastic tools to reinforce these lessons. Younger children might enjoy titles like Body Safety Red Flag or My Body! What I Say Goes! by Jayneen Sanders. 

For older kids, look for real-life examples or age-appropriate videos about trusting their instincts and staying safe.

One of the most important ways to support your child is by validating their feelings. If they say something doesn’t feel right, take their concerns seriously—even if the situation seems harmless to you. Avoid phrases like, “Don’t be silly,” as they can undermine your child’s confidence in their intuition. Instead, model this behavior yourself. Share examples of times when you trusted your gut, like avoiding a road that felt unsafe, and explain why it mattered.

Another helpful strategy is creating a “What If” plan. Talk through scenarios like, “What would you do if someone made you feel scared or uncomfortable?” Emphasize these action steps: trust the feeling, say “No,” leave the situation, and find a safe adult to talk to. (See more below on other strategies to use when creating your “What If” plans.

Finally, keep the lines of communication open. Let your child know they can talk to you about anything without fear of judgment or punishment. Regularly check in about their day, their friends, and their feelings to build trust and ensure they feel supported.

By teaching your child to trust their intuition, you’re not just helping them recognize danger—you’re empowering them to prioritize their safety, build confidence, and trust themselves. And that’s a life skill that will serve them well for years to come.

Safety Signals + Code Words

Teach kids about these exit strategies, followed by what to do if they can’t get out of a situation.

 “The Secret Signal”

Young children can use a pre-planned non-verbal signal to communicate with a trusted adult that they feel unsafe or need to leave.

• How It Works:
• Agree on a simple hand gesture, facial expression, or action the child can use when they’re uncomfortable.
• Examples:
• Tugging on their earlobe
• A hand sign (that you both agreed upon)
• Tapping their nose
• Holding up three fingers
• When to Use It:
• In situations like family gatherings, playdates, or public spaces when the child feels uncomfortable but can’t say so aloud.
• What You Do:
• Once you see the signal, immediately “rescue” them with an excuse like:
• “Hey, it’s time to go home/to the bathroom/leave now.”
• “I need your help with something important, can you come with me?”
• Reassurance:
• Let the child know the signal is a safe way to let you know they need help without letting others know whats happening just yet.

The “Bathroom Break” Escape

Young kids can use the classic excuse of needing to go to the bathroom to remove themselves from an uncomfortable situation.

• How It Works:
• Teach kids to say, “I need to go to the bathroom,” as a reason to leave a situation or person making them feel uneasy.
• If the child feels unsure, they can ask a trusted adult (like a relative/friend or teacher) to come with them.
• What You Do:
• If your child says this in your presence, accompany them and check in privately:
• “Are you okay? Do you want to leave?”
• Reinforce:
• Reassure them that it’s okay to use this strategy anytime they feel bad or unsafe, even if they don’t need to go.

“The Toy or Teddy Excuse”

Younger children may need simple, believable ways to ask to leave. The “toy” strategy is a kid-friendly excuse that makes sense for their age.

• How It Works:
• Teach the child to say something like:
• “I left my favorite toy in the car. Can we go get it?”
• “I need my teddy bear. I can’t stay without it.”
• What You Do:
• Use the child’s cue as an opportunity to leave or remove them from the situation.
• Why It Works:
• For younger kids, this feels natural and doesn’t require much explanation to others.

The “Family Code Word”

For kids as young as 4 or 5, a family code word can act as a signal that they need help or want to leave.

• How It Works:
• Choose a code word together, such as “blueberry,” “tiger,” or “sunshine.”
• If your child feels unsafe, they can say the word casually in a sentence:
• “I really want some blueberry ice cream!”
• Alternatively, they can whisper the code word to you directly.
• What You Do:
• Recognize the code word as a signal to step in and remove them from the situation.
• Reassurance:
• Reinforce that they can use the code word anytime they feel scared or unsure, even if nothing “bad” has happened.

“Call It Out” Strategy

For situations where someone crosses a boundary, some kids feel empowered and confident enough to say something loudly. This works well with kids who have been learning about body safety for at least a year or more and who you have been practicing boundary setting with. This would be like a refresher and permission to call out the behavior publicly- if they feel safe enough to do it.

• How It Works:
• Teach kids to use a loud, firm voice to say things like:
• “Stop! I don’t like that!”
• “I need my mom/dad!”
• Teach them that it’s okay to draw attention if they feel scared or unsafe.
• Why It Works:
• It disrupts the situation and signals to others nearby that the child needs help.
• Practice:
• Role-play scenarios so children feel comfortable using their voice when needed.

But what about if kids freeze and can’t or don’t feel able to implement any of these exit strategies even after they’ve realized they’re in an unsafe situation?

What Is the Freeze Response—and Why Does It Happen?

When faced with danger, our body typically responds in one of four ways: fight, flight, freeze or fawn. These are automatic, instinctive survival mechanisms. The freeze response kicks in when the brain senses that fighting back or running away might not work. Instead, the body “shuts down,” paralyzing movement and speech as a protective measure.

For children, freezing is especially common because they may feel powerless, confused, or unsure of how to respond. The younger the child, the less developed their ability to process stress and make quick decisions in high-pressure moments.

Here’s why children freeze:

• Survival instinct: Freezing is the body’s way of saying, “Stay still and quiet to stay safe.”
• Confusion or shock: Kids might not understand what’s happening, especially if someone they trust is crossing a boundary.
• Fear of consequences: Threats, bribes, or manipulation can overwhelm a child, making them too scared to act.
• Power imbalance: Children are often smaller and more vulnerable than perpetrators, which can make them feel trapped or unable to resist.
• Learned compliance: Kids are often taught to obey adults, respect authority, and avoid conflict. This conditioning can override their instinct to say “No” or get away.

How This Connects to Exit Strategies

The “No, Go, Tell” rule is a foundational safety tool, and for good reason: It’s simple, clear, and easy for kids to remember. But it’s not always realistic. Kids need to understand that if they freeze, it’s okay. They haven’t failed, and they are not to blame. The focus can shift to what comes next: telling a safe adult as soon as they can.

Teaching Kids About Freezing, Threats + Bribes in Age-Appropriate Ways

When you talk to kids about safety strategies, weave in an understanding of the freeze response. Here’s how to frame it for different ages.

For Preschool to Early Elementary Kids (Ages 3-7)

At this stage, keep the message simple, clear, and reassuring. Explain what freezing is and normalize it as something that can happen when they feel scared.

You might say: “Sometimes when we feel scared or confused, our body doesn’t move or talk. That’s called freezing, and it’s something our brain does to keep us safe. If that ever happens to you, it’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. Just tell me or another grown-up you trust as soon as you can.”

Use role-playing to practice responses like saying “No,” moving away, or telling someone. But also let them know: If they can’t do any of those things in the moment, that’s okay. What matters is that they tell someone afterward.

Use clear, simple examples they can understand.

For threats “Sometimes, someone might say things like, ‘If you tell, I’ll hurt you,’ or ‘I’ll take your toys away.’ That’s called a threat. It’s a lie to scare you.”

For bribes: “Sometimes someone might say, ‘I’ll give you candy if you keep a secret.’ That’s a trick to make you do something they want.”

Emphasize that people who make threats are lying and can’t hurt them the way they say.

“If someone says they’ll hurt Mommy or Daddy if you tell a secret, they’re lying. No one can hurt me or you when we’re together. We’re safe.”

Reinforce that telling you or another trusted adult is always the right thing to do, no matter what the other person says.

You might say: “If someone says, ‘Don’t tell or I’ll get mad,’ you should still tell me. I will always protect you, and you won’t be in trouble.”

For Elementary-Aged Kids (Ages 8-12)

Kids at this age can understand more about the freeze response and why it happens. You can explain that freezing is automatic and not their fault—just like blinking when something gets in your eye.

You might say: “When you’re scared, your brain might make your body freeze. That’s not something you can control, and it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. If you freeze and can’t say ‘No’ or leave, you can still tell me later, and I’ll always believe you.”

This is also a good time to talk about threats and bribes, which can contribute to a child’s fear of speaking up. Use clear examples of threats and bribes to help kids recognize them.

• Threat: “If you tell your mom, I’ll hurt your dog.”
• Bribe: “I’ll give you a gift if you keep this our secret.”

Help kids understand that no toy, gift, or treat is worth feeling scared or uncomfortable.

You might say: “If someone says, ‘I’ll give you money or toys,’ that’s a trick. Nothing they offer is more important than being safe.”

Reinforce that people who make threats or bribes are trying to trick them and can’t be trusted.

And let them know that it’s never too late to tell a safe adult, even if they froze in the moment.

Explain that people who threaten are trying to control or scare them, but those threats are always lies.

You might say: “If someone says, ‘No one will believe you,’ that’s not true. I will always believe you.”

For Tweens and Teens (Ages 12-18)

Tweens and teens are ready for deeper conversations about the biology of the freeze response and why it’s so common in situations involving fear or power imbalances.

You can say: “Sometimes when we feel trapped or scared, our body freezes. It’s not a choice—it’s something your brain does to protect you. If you ever freeze and can’t say or do anything, it doesn’t mean you failed or did anything wrong. What matters is telling someone as soon as you can.”

Reinforce that freezing is not a weakness, and it doesn’t mean they allowed something to happen. Normalize speaking up afterward by saying: “If you ever feel scared, trapped, or uncomfortable—even if you didn’t say ‘No’—come to me. I will always believe you, and we’ll figure it out together.”

Discuss how threats and bribes are tools used to manipulate others.

You can say: “Sometimes people in positions of power use threats or promises to control you. They might say, ‘No one will believe you,’ or ‘I’ll ruin your life if you tell.’ These are manipulation tactics meant to keep you silent.”

At this age, teens also need tools that acknowledge their growing independence. 

The “rescue text” can be particularly helpful if they’re in a situation that feels wrong but they’re not sure how to leave. Agree on a simple phrase or emoji they can text you as a signal, like “I have a headache” or 🚨, or “X” and you’ll call them with a reason to come get them.

The “rescue text” strategy is an excellent tool for teens because it respects their growing independence while providing a reliable, low-pressure way to ask for help. 

Adolescents often face social situations where they feel unsafe, pressured, or uncomfortable, but they may struggle to leave for various reasons, such as fear of embarrassment, peer judgment, or not wanting to “cause a scene.” The rescue text offers a subtle and effective escape plan. 

Take Responsibility for the Exit:

• Reinforce that you’ll always take the blame for their leaving. This removes any fear of social fallout or backlash.
• Example: “I’ll say I need you for something at home. You can tell your friends I’m being annoying or strict. I don’t mind!”

Across all ages, here’s what kids need to hear:

1. Freezing is NOT your fault. It’s something your body does to try to keep you safe.
2. If you freeze, you can still tell a trusted adult afterward. It’s never too late to speak up.
3. Threats and bribes are lies. Someone who tries to scare or manipulate you is not telling the truth.
4. You won’t be in trouble for what happened or how you reacted. I will always believe you, and I will protect you.

Reinforce These Strategies

• Practice Role-Playing:
• Act out different scenarios with your child so they feel confident using these strategies.
• Praise and Empower:
• Reinforce that leaving an uncomfortable or unsafe situation is the right thing to do.
• Remove Guilt or Shame:
• Let kids know it’s okay to “use an excuse” to leave. They don’t owe anyone an explanation for protecting their safety.
• Teach them about the freeze response and that it’s not their fault if it happens.
• Regular Reminders:
• Keep the strategies fresh in their minds by discussing them regularly in a positive, empowering way.
• Reporting is Not Tattling:
• Let kids know that telling what happened won’t get them in trouble, that threats and bribes are never true or ok, and that they can always tell, even if something already happened, or it happened a long time ago.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Role-playing can help kids feel more prepared to respond in unsafe situations, even if they freeze at first. Practicing phrases like, “Stop, I don’t like that!” or “I need to leave” can build muscle memory. Just remember to emphasize that if they can’t say those words in the moment, it’s okay.

By teaching kids to recognize the freeze response and removing any guilt or shame around it, we give them a greater sense of safety and empowerment. Whether they freeze, fight, or flee, the most important thing is that they know they can come to us—always.

Kids need to know they’re not alone, their instincts are valid, and their safety always comes first—no matter what.

For younger kids, providing practical and simple exit strategies that are similar to the “rescue text” (but age-appropriate) can help them leave uncomfortable, unsafe, or overwhelming situations without drawing attention to themselves. The strategies need to match their developmental level, communication skills, and ability to identify trusted adults.

These exit strategies and lessons can go a long way to help reduce the risk for abuse and to give and empower your child with ways to detect unsafe behavior and potentially get out of the situation, but at the very least, it can prevent further abuse from happening or escalating.

 If you're looking for additional 1:1 guidance on suspicions of abuse or a unique situation, go here to view my consultation offerings, which include my offerings on Conscious Parenting coaching.