When my child asked me 'Mom, what's 69?'...

Answering Inevitable Questions

How would your parents have reacted if you had asked them this question? Maybe something like 'Why the heck are you asking about that?', or 'Where did you hear that dirty phrase?' or "Don't be asking about things like that?" in either angry, panicked, or shameful tones!

When I was a kid/tween or teen, I knew that asking my mom ANYTHING that had to do with S.E.X. was OFF THE TABLE. No, sir, was I going to raise my mom's wrath!

And also, I figured she might not even know because she NEVER talked about sex.

But I knew, from the start of having kids, that I didn't want to be that way. I knew that I wanted to raise my kids in a sex-positive home that was safe and trustworthy.

That's easy on paper.

It's a nice picture in my head.

The reality (once I had kids) is that it felt scary AF (if I'm being honest).

Fortunately, I've had experts like Melissa Carnagey of Sex Positive Families and Amy Lang of Birds Bees and Kids, help me learn how to have sex-positive, evidence-based, shame-free, and age-appropriate talks with my kiddos.

So, when my 11-year-old asked me, 'Mom, what's 69?' I knew how to respond and what to answer.

I wanted to share this with you to help you understand how to answer a question like this and set yourself up for success so that your child feels safe and confident even to ask you a question like this. 

And a lot of it has to do with safety, not just being sex-positive.

So let's start from the beginning!

Setting Your Child Up for Success

When my oldest child was 5 (now 11), I started teaching them about safety in private parts. And, side note, this is late. In my now-expert opinion, private parts safety should start being taught between the ages of 2 and 3.

But at that time, I was new to this work. 

I learned that educating kids about safe and unsafe touch started with teaching the correct anatomical terms for their genitals.

This is also known as body literacy.

Body literacy is the FOUNDATION of sex-ed.

And to be transparent, this was a little triggering for me at first because I was raised to think that the words vagina, penis, and erection, were dirty words. 

So there was a pang of guilt and fear that I was doing something wrong. But here's why it's so important to push past that and recognize that there's nothing wrong with teaching kids about their bodies and safety- together.

According to sexuality educator Dr. Nadine Thornhill, 

"From an abuse prevention perspective, there is a significant body of research that indicates that sexual predators will often look for, and target, kids who have a lack of knowledge and understanding. They will look for kids who do not know the correct names for their genitals or who are not comfortable using the correct names of their genitals. And that's for a very sinister but practical reason, and that is that if a child doesn't even have a vocabulary to talk about very basic sexual anatomy, it makes it harder for them to report and tell anybody. It also makes it easier to shame those children and make them feel like they did something wrong or that they were somehow complicit in their own abuse- which is utterly, utterly not true whatsoever"

(If you'd like to listen to my podcast episode with Dr. Nadine Thornhill is available here.)

So, with that in mind, I wanted my child to learn what was age appropriate and that would support their safety.

I looked for grounding strategies with the help of a therapist. They recommended various things, like breathing techniques, tapping/EFT, and shaking -like shaking your arms out- to release tension. 

And they recommended that I do any of those BEFORE I started talking about private parts and safety.

And teaching your child about private parts safety EARLY will help you get comfortable with using these terms; as your child grows and steps into the next phase of their childhood, they'll also be comfortable using the correct words. They'll recognize that the topics of bodies, safety, and sex are always on the table and safe to ask you about.

This is important for two reasons:

1. It tells your child that you're a safe adult who they can ask anything to (instead of asking Google or other adults who may not be safe to ask)

2. It tells your child that you are the trusted resource for this information and they can count on you to be honest and as accurate as possible (so they don't have to ask peers or trust peers' misinformation, and they don't have to be secretive about these topics)

So this is the dynamic we've set up for our kids, and as they've gotten older, we can see the fruits of our labor. 

Our children will ask us anything, trusting that we won't shame them for asking, and we'll be open and honest- in age-appropriate and developmentally appropriate ways.

Age-Appropriate? How do I know what that is?

Again, there are many experts (I've listed them and their links below) that can help parents know and determine what this spectrum of information is. 

I also have a list of books I recommend that can help with this. 

Age-Appropriate Questions + Answers

Let's get to it. You're here to learn how to answer questions that may arise, like the one my son asked me. 

How should we respond?

Well, it depends on two factors: the child's age and the question itself.

For example, if the question 'Mom, what is 69?' came from my 5-year-old child, my answer would be VERY different than my answer to my 11-year-old.

But also, my initial response would be slightly different, too, because my questions would be more specific in trying to determine the source. Let me give you an example.

Let's say that your 5-year-old asks you this question.

Regardless of the child's age, you want to stay visibly calm. If you need to breathe to do that, then do whatever you need to pause and do that.

If you're in the kitchen, head to the sink and tell your child that you want to grab a glass of water, so you have a moment to collect your thoughts, ground yourself with a deep breath, and proceed to respond in one of the following ways.

• Calmly respond (and smile if you can muster it) and get down to their level and say
• That's interesting. What do you think it means?

Here you determine what your child thinks it is! This is really key because your child may have a very innocent reason for asking.

I made a funny reel about this a while back, about a kid asking 'What is lube?' and they were simply asking because they saw an oil-changing garage that said LUBE EXPRESS, and it had nothing to do with synthetic/organic sex lubricants. (You can watch the reel here)

You may dodge a bullet by asking what they already know about it. In the case of 69, it might mean something numerical or mathematical.

But let's say it's not 'innocent,' and your child's description is something sexual. Then it's time to get curious, and yet STAY CALM!

The next step is to determine the source. 

So once you learn that they know what 69 is (or whatever other sexual question they ask you), it's vital to BE COOL.

• Don't look panicked or alarmed and proceed to say
• That's interesting. Where did you hear that? (keep it open-ended instead of asking 'WHO told you that?')

Once you determine how they heard it or who told them the answer, you can assess risk factors.

For a young child, if someone told them about this (whether the information is accurate or not), you want to keep learning as much as you can without asking leading questions.

You might even want to pause and find a pen and paper or turn on your phone to record the interaction (without making it evident to your child that something is concerning to you).

Documenting this will be helpful because when you determine the source, you can take appropriate action.

If another child told them this, you want to determine why and how the topic came up, especially if it's a sibling or family member (but of course, if it's anyone).

Knowing it's a sibling helps you determine why they might know this or share it with a younger sibling. This allows you to have an open, shame-free, calm conversation with all parties involved and ensure that everyone knows how to proceed with these topics safely (as in what's appropriate/inappropriate). 

If a risk or danger assessment is made, it's key to take appropriate next steps to ensure everyone is safe.

If it's someone outside the family, perhaps an adult/caregiver or peer, then asking (calmly) about how the topic came up is essential so you can address it with the person or parent of the peer involved.

And finally, answer your child's question.

• "The definition you gave (or were told) is right/wrong/not completely accurate."

You can give a vague or detailed answer based on your child's age. Your response will also be determined by what other talks you've already had on the topic of sex, where babies come from, etc.

For a child that is between 2 to 8-years-old, you can say something like:

• "That activity is something that only adults do with other adults and only with consent. It's not something that kids do or need to really know about right now. But I promise that when it's something you need to know and you have questions about it, I will happily help you get the right answers."
• "I'm so glad you came to me to check what that is, and it's not really something that others should be telling you about because it's for adults to talk about."
• "But I can tell you that it's a sexual activity, and it's not meant for kids to do with kids, or kids to do with teens or adults and that it's only for grown-ups to do with grown-ups because it involves private parts."
• You can ask your child if they remember the body safety rules around private parts, and ask if everyone they spend time with follows those rules (you can ask about it generally, like, "At school does everyone respect your body safety rules about private parts?")
• Use this as an opportunity to CALMY talk about the fact that you're always a safe space to share anything and to ask questions about anything related to bodies and private parts. Remind them that you are always the first person that they should ask about anything related to body safety, private parts or sex. 

For an older child (9+), you can say something like:

• "That activity is something that only adults do with other adults and only with consent. It's not something that kids do or need to really know about right now. But I promise that when it's something you need to know and you have questions about it, I will happily help you get the right answers."
• "I'm so glad you came to me to check what that is, and it's not really something that others should be telling you about because it's an adult topic/conversation."
• Answer the question to the best of your ability in as generic and clinical a way as possible, and ask them if they have any other questions. Refrain from over-explaining. And if you find yourself giving more information than you wanted, pause and say, "I think that's as much as you need to know for now, but if you have other questions, feel free to ask." Look for cues on how they respond as you're giving them the information.
• You can ask your child if they remember the body safety rules around private parts, and ask if everyone they spend time with follows those rules (you can ask about it generally, like, "At school does everyone respect yours and each other's bodies, especially private parts?")
• Use this as an opportunity to CALMY talk about the fact that you're always a safe space to share anything and to ask questions about anything related to bodies and private parts. Remind them that you're always the first person that they should ask about anything related to body safety, private parts or sex.
• You can also let them know that a lot of times kids have the wrong information and they're not reliable sources. And that kid may not be getting their info from safe places or have safe reasons for sharing that information.

What if you don't know the answer?

There are times when you may not know how to answer, or you're triggered at the moment and can't answer the question right there and then.

Please know that it's pretty normal and natural to have this reaction. You can say something like:

• (After you've determined what they know and the source of where they heard the term) "The definition you gave (or were told) is right/wrong/not wholly accurate, and I promise I'll give you the right answer. Now is not a great time to explain it, but let's talk later." And choose a time and make sure you answer their question).

And get support if you are uncomfortable answering the question. Check-in with your partner or co-parent, or another support person. Get a resource to help you talk about it. There are some great books to keep in your body safety library that you can use to help you have the right language to give an age-appropriate answer.

How I Actually Answered My Child's Question

For those who watched my Instagram reel about this and the specific question that my child asked, here's exactly how it went:

My son: Mom, what's 69?

Me: Slightly panicked and hoping it's somehow a mathematical question.

Me: What do you think it is?

My son: Someone said that it's two people sucking each other's privates (he says with a grossed-out face)

Me: Internally mortified that he knows this and trying to keep a calm face.

Me: Where did you hear that?

My son: Some kids are school said that's what it was.

My husband (who's been listening) chimes in.

My husband: Yes, that's correct, that's what it basically is.

My son: But why? (he asks with, again, a disgusted face)

My husband: Well, you know how it can feel good to touch your penis? 

I cut him off and interject:

Me: It's a sexual activity that adults can do with each other because it feels good for them and is only meant to be for adults.

My son: Hm... ok. (He kind of shrugs his shoulders and changes the subject, seeming disinterested now)

Me: So why are your friends telling you about that?

My son: They've just been talking about it at school, not really for any specific reason. (I can now tell he's really uncomfortable and scared I'm going to be mad at his friends, so he starts trying to change the subject). 

I can tell he's not panicked or wanting to talk about it more, and based on his previous question of 'why would people do that,' I have a sense that this isn't something that's happened or attempted on him, but I'm still curious about who told him and why. 

But I'm also reading the room and allowing the conversation to move on to other things, making a mental note that I'll return to this topic in a day or so.

A couple of days later, I find an opportunity to bring it up and ask:

"Remember the other day when you asked 'what 69 was'?"

I asked him if he could tell me WHO specifically gave him 

that answer. I can tell he's nervous about giving me more info. So I preface by reminding him that he's not in trouble, his friend or friends won't be in trouble, and they're not good kids or bad kids; they just gave him some information. I tell him that I'm curious to know because they really shouldn't be talking about adult sexual activities, and I want to make sure everyone is safe.

My son goes on to explain how one of his friends saw the number 69 mixed with other numbers (on a license plate in the parking lot of the school) and pointed to it and giggled, 'Ooh 69'. When he asked the group of friends standing there (most of them laughing, but some weren't - they probably didn't know either) what was so funny, they didn't want to tell him because other adults were around.

But he was now curious and asked other friends (he had no idea it was sexual at that point), and finally, someone told him. He thought that person was kidding, so he asked a couple of classmates, many of whom told him the same thing.

Finally, he wanted to confirm with me if they were telling the truth (he knows I'll always tell him the truth), so he finally asked.

I realized who those kids were (all of whom have cell phones), and they are all about the same age (this was also important to determine). I'm still considering how to contact those parents and let them know while not blowing the whistle on my kid and potentially ostracizing him from his peer group. When I have that information, I'll share it with you!

Resources To Prepare For These Kinds of Talks

Have no fear; tons of resources are here! I have been blessed with finding helpful experts and resources that prepared me for these kinds of moments, and I have listed them here below.

I trust that you'll find them to be a beaming light in your education on sexual health, sexuality, and safety!

If you have any questions, I welcome you always to reach out.

I also invite you to also learn more about how to talk to kids about privates and body safety through my 3-Part workshop called Private Parts Safety, Beyond The Basics (for ages 2-8). It's never too early or late to start educating yourself and getting proactive!

My top recommended resources:

Amaze Parents (All Ages)

Sex Positive Families (All ages)

Birds & Bees & Kids (All ages)

HappeSexTalk (All Ages)

SexEdRescue (Australia/All Ages)

Kristin Hodson (for Teens)

Talk With Your Kids Poster (free download from their website)