Secrets, Surprises + Privacy

One of the most essential safety skills your child should learn is the difference between secrets, privacy, and surprises. I mean, have you ever thought about it? Do you even know the difference? And more importantly, do your kids?

When I had my first child, I used to think I knew the difference, but it turns out I didn't. And that's okay because it's never too late to learn and educate ourselves as parents. Here's a little story to illustrate my point.

So, I have three kiddos, and when my oldest was potty training, I read somewhere that giving them a little treat, like a chocolate chip, every time they successfully used the potty could be a good idea. And let me tell you, it worked like a charm! But, of course, I didn't want the other two to feel left out or start asking for treats too. So, I told my child that we had to keep it a secret between us so that no one else would know about the chocolate chips.

Looking back, I realized that was a big mistake. Secrets aren't good, especially for kids, and it's essential to be clear on the difference between secrets, privacy, and surprises so that we can educate our kids properly.

So here's the thing... you might have done this before, too (and there is still time to correct it).

Or maybe you haven't, but your inlaws, parents, or other adults or peers might have...

They may have said things like:

"Don't tell mom that we went to get ice cream."⁠

⁠

"Don't tell your parents about the game I got you."⁠

⁠

"Don't tell your mom and dad that I let you stay up late, or next time I won't be allowed to hang out with you."⁠

⁠

These are the 'good secrets' that kids are told to keep.⁠

⁠

It's the reason I tell parents NOT TO SAY good secrets are okay to keep.⁠

⁠

Offenders do this for two reasons:⁠

⁠

1. They want to test the child to see if they're willing to keep ANY kind of secret (a grooming tactic)⁠

⁠

2. If they can get the child to keep a 'good' or 'innocent' secret, they can later use it to 'implicate' the child.⁠

It's part of the grooming process.⁠ It's done in order to establish a 'special' feeling about the child and offender's relationship before the offender takes the next step to abuse the child (and implicate them about previous 'innocent' secrets that they'll feel shame about having kept).

⁠

Good Secrets

I've read kids safety books that talk about 'good secrets' as okay secrets. 

NO NO NO!!! 

Those books are sending the wrong message.⁠

⁠

Now here's what many parents might jump to think:⁠

⁠

But if a well-intentioned grandparent told their kids to keep an innocent secret, a person who IS a safe person, it should be okay, right?⁠

⁠

NO! This just sets kids up for grooming.⁠

⁠

I know, it sounds dramatic to some people, but this is what offenders hope you will think and not take the needed measures to teach kids about secrets safety.⁠

Secrets, Privacy, and Surprises⁠

Firstly, let us define what each term means. A secret is something that is intentionally kept hidden and not shared with others. It can often cause harm, shame, or fear to the person keeping it or the person it is being kept from. 

On the other hand, privacy is a right that everyone has to keep certain information or aspects of their lives to themselves. It is about setting boundaries around personal information and respecting others' boundaries. 

Finally, surprises are events or gifts that are kept a for a short period to build anticipation and excitement. They are meant to be shared, not hidden forever.

Importance of Understanding the Differences

It is crucial to differentiate these three terms because they have different implications and consequences. For instance, secrets can be harmful when kept for a long time, especially if they involve someone's safety or well-being. 

Children must understand that they can always share secrets that make them feel uncomfortable or unsafe with a safe adult. 

In contrast, privacy is necessary for personal safety, such as not sharing personal information online or with strangers. 

Surprises, while fun and exciting, should not be kept for too long, especially if it involves other people or their feelings.

Setting Up Safety Rules 

Establishing some safety rules around secrets is key.

You can use some of these phrases when talking to your child:

"You can tell me anything, I'm here to keep you safe"⁠

⁠

"Don't keep secrets from us/me"⁠

⁠

"Secrets are not okay to keep from us/me"⁠

⁠

"Our family safety rule is no secrets"⁠

⁠

But don't stop there.

It may seem like saying those simple statements to your kids should be enough for them to know that keeping secrets is not okay, or that they can/should feel safe coming to you.⁠

⁠

The truth is that it's not that simple.⁠

⁠

Abusers, offenders + predators, are very sneaky, manipulative and have a process of thinking for how to get a kid to keep innocent or abusive secrets.⁠

⁠

Here's the second truth you need to know.⁠

⁠

Secrets is one of the biggest abuse prevention safety skills that we need to be teaching our kids so that they don't remain silent in the face of unsafe people.⁠

⁠

It's not our kids jobs to prevent abuse, it's our job to get educated about how to keep them safe.⁠

Giving kids a script

Let your child know to say this to anyone who asks them to keep a secret (including peers):

"We don't keep secrets in our family. We have a secrets safety rule."

This can make a huge difference for the child because it can fend off an offender from grooming your child, knowing that they are being educated in their home.

But also, this is something YOU should be communicating to all the adults in your child's life as well. This isn't about putting all the responsibility on your child to tell adults; you must be proactive about it.

⁠

Safe people VS Tricky people

In order for you and your child to trust the adults in your child's life, they must BEHAVE like safe people, not just be considered safe because of their family status or position of power (like a teacher, coach, etc.).

That's why kids need to know what makes a person safe.

Check out my reel on Instagram about what makes a person safe.  

I also made a reel about how to help kids understand what a tricky person is. 

You know... someone who SEEMS like a good person, but they turn out to be not so good. You've likely seen this character type in books, movies, and almost any children story.

 So let's recap.

Teach the difference between secrets, surprises, privacy and that there is no such thing as a 'good secret'.

Give kids a simple script to say when and if someone asks them to keep a secret.

Make sure to talk about what a safe person is and what a tricky person is (and if you're not sure how to help kids determine what a tricky person is, read on to learn about my class where I teach more about this).

And please, please, please talk to the adults in your child's life about not keeping secrets and that you have a family rule about this.

Want to get into the nitty-gritty? Click here to learn more about my Secrets Safety Masterclass where I dive DEEPER into all these elements that help you teach your child this critical safety skill!